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CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with peroxide.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
"Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to" Mark Twain
Follow Ups:
take the cat to the vet.If you do what you did in #1 and place the pill really far down their throat, close their mouth and strok their neck as you gently pull it backwards, the cat will get the pill!
IF you don't get that pill back far enough and the cat spits it out, the cat will ALWAYS remember the routine. So just take the rascal to the vet!
Very funny, though. I've been there and have the scars to prove it!
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If I had more money I'd soon be broke...but I'd have more LPs!
There's a lick to it. Don't make a big deal out of it, and don't pick up kitty upside down like a baby; she hates that. Sit down next to kitty and give the reg'lar luvv, massage, scratch. The pill is in the other hand. When everything is very kewl, just say, 'Lemme look in yer gullet, here', too casual, like you do this every day. Tip her(is) head back and open up the mouth. The throat should be straight down there, and you gots to be accurate; you don't lob the pill in the mouth, you project that baby right to the throat opening at the back of the mouth. Leggo mouth, she'll close and go 'gulp', swallowing the offending thing, because it's too far back to spit up. Besides, at that point, the little slippery thing is practically down the pipe already. Pet, scratch, 'you ain't mad at me, are ya?' purr purr, it's over.The real test is when the last pill was a wormer, and made her barf her gutz all over the backyard. You can get the next one in there the same, that's love.
Aloha Kakou,
I can vouch that every word he says is true.
I thought they begged you to give them pills!
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If I had more money I'd soon be broke...but I'd have more LPs!
Last time he was home he took of and pawned all of the jewelry and melted all of my credit cards.
MATED all your credit cards. I figure that's possible as Squeak regularly tries to mate with the rugs around the house.
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If I had more money I'd soon be broke...but I'd have more LPs!
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