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Not on any audio topic, mind you. Mine will be on how to do a major grocery shopping trip! The lovely and talented Mrs. bwk stated this morning that she wished we had some kind of service in our area where we could just order groceries and have them delivered. I thought to myself "Self, she takes care of us everyday, so why not give her a break and let her rent pay-per-view movies?". So it was decided. Besides, I had an underlying objective. She always leaves the receipts out for me to peruse, which I briefly do. I have found myself wondering why she didn't take advantage of store brands once in awhile. We could save a little bit of money here and there, you know?I have been allowed to make minor excursions to the store in the past, but never one of those major trips that must be made when your cupboard are bare. I decided that good planning was essential to my success. Here is a brief synopsis of how my video will go.....
1. Scan and shelves, cupboards and pantry and make a good list of what you need.
2. Ask your wife and any other family members if there is anything special or personal that they might need. Make note of those items as well. Pay particular attention to the brand names of what they want, because these items are special and personal.
3. Perhaps you are a preferred shopper or have some sort of membership card. Be sure to take evidence of such with you. Oh, be sure you have some means of making payment for whatever you are going to buy while you're at it.
4. If you are in some sort of membership, you might have some special coupons that reward you with a certain amount of dollars off of your purchase depending on what amount you spend or even just the day you are shopping. Get those coupons, because they'll save you money!
5. Go to the store. Park somewhere near where you can dispose of your cart easily when you are finished. Grab a cart, and take advantage of those antibacterial wipe thingies they have available to cleanse your cart and your hands.
6. As you enter the store, there might be some kid selling candy bars or cookies or something as an honest means of generating some cash for a charitable or otherwise good cause. Spend some money there, because it is going for a good cause. Casually toss items you purchased into your basket.
7. Did you bring your list with you? Did you bring a pen or pencil to cross items on your list off as you shop? If not, go get them!
8. Enter the store. Pause and take it all in. You are here to show how it is done! A calm, relaxed and analytical mind is your best friend.
9. Proceeed to shop. One minor problem you might encounter is that when you paused to take it all in you saw all these other people shopping. Competition genes might kick in causing you to think you must buy more of everything before everyone else can. Screw the list, this is about winning! This is normal, go with it. Just let yourself go into a shopping frenzy.
10. Proceed to the checkout stand with enough shit to feed a small African country.
11. The cashier will scan all items you have, and another store employee will bag your stuff for you. Beats the hell out of going to Smart-n-Final, where you have to bag your own stuff.
12. Explain to cashier that the reason there is no barcode on the candy bars is because you bought them from the kid outside.
13. Explain to manager that the reason there is no barcode on the candy bars is because you bought them from the kid outside.
14. Stare at cashier and manager, thinking "What the f~ is your problem?".
15. Maintain straight face when you are informed of the total purchase. This is a bit like playing poker. Never let on that you are completely pissed off and astonished.
16. Go to your car,open the trunk and angrily toss all items into the trunk. Don't worry, nothing will get hurt. And if it does? Who gives a shit? You are angry and pissed off!
17. Remember how you carefully parked so you could dispose of your cart easily? This was really for venting purposes. Take your cart and shove it in the little metal frame with such force that all of the other carts buckle upwards.
18. We're almost done. Drive home and take all bags inside the house. Announce to your wife or family members "I hunted and gathered, you get to put this shit away!". Ignore the laughing eyes and barely contained laughter of your spouse or significant other, they're just trying to taunt you.
19. Post your receipt and shred it to destroy the evidence.
Now, it is time for a big glass of wine. I did not say wine glass, grab a friggin' beer mug!
See? I told you I had this down.....but I'm never doing a "major" again!
Follow Ups:
as "shopping frenzy" is both so rarely productive and naturally could easily intrude on drinking and/or music time...Do you not have the opportunity to both shop on-line and to arrange for the various comestibles to be reliably delivered at an agreed time?... Since we in the obviously backward UK have adequate facilities of this nature, I naturally assumed that in the advanced "cutting-edge" US society, having lots of such options available could be taken as read...
I feel sure that both your blood-pressure and domestic relations could be much improved by the use of such services... as would your ability to both drink a relaxed glass of wine (The Dartington Glass "Compleate Imbiber" Burgundy glass is recommended here, as it has the capacity to hold half a bottle of wine), and enjoy untroubled enjoyment of your music...
Life has many stresses and travails that are effectively unavoidable, so why go out of one's way to worsen each day by needlessly generating additional stress?...
Bill.
Sixteen miles away from here you can shop on-line at a number of stores and get your stuff delivered. But there is an 1,800 foot climb between here and there which has successfully blocked out such technology and luxury. It might be a good thing. I might not ever make it outside the house or yard if things became too convenient.
Bearing in mind the reduced leisure-time opportunities, I remain unconvinced...There must be rather more pleasant ways of ensuring appropriate intercourse!...
Bill.
The only way you are going to get good at it is by practicing.
Practice, practice, practice!!! I go grocery shopping with my
wonderful wife every Sunday. She really likes me to come along so
I can move those buggies out of the middle of the aisle. You
know the ones.....the ones that belong to those large
Wildebeest that are staring off into space.... Treat it as a
challenge that you will win!! In spare moments talk dirty
to the Mrs. and point out the Wildebeest with the biggest snouts.
This time tried and panic tested methodology with reap you either
of 2 outcomes....the Mrs. will love it and want you along each
week...or she will never ask you to go grocery shopping with her
again. A 50-50% role of the dice.....
and it was my idea that we do it yesterday. She decided she wanted to watch movies instead, and I decided to be "noble". Next time we're going together. I like it better when my job is to sneak stuff into the basket.
The key is to make her come with ya so you spread the
sufferage around. In fact I am getting ready to leave soon
for our weekly gathering of sustainables. I wonder what
type of new beasts I will see today??
Cause, if you happened to forget it in the frenzy, well...back to #5...If you remembered then... SUCCESS!
"I always play jazz records backwards, they sound better that way"
-Thomas Edison
...
because there are situations where I simply don't know what to do.We need butter. Do we get salted or unsalted? Salted or unsalted? Salted or unsalted? We never add salt to anything so I get unsalted. And I can't remember what our regular butter package looks like. Is it green or yellow? I've looked at it a hundred times.
I come home and my wife says unsalted butter doesn't taste good-it's for baking. I'll use it for baking. Then look at the package and it's actually salted, it just doesn't say so, even though other packages say salted. So I lucked out.
That's just one example out of many. I just can't handle it. Same with laundry. A least I'm smart enough to wash dishes, vacuum and clean the bathroom.
the law is that you only pick up stuff that says fat/sugar/sodium free, even thought that stuff tastes like cow dung. That mystifies me, because I always thought that "real food" was the best for you. No processing. Why else are all of these 95-year-old, cigar-smoking, bourbon-guzzling people coming from?
Call it #9a.
Smash the hell out of every 3rd shopper's cart as she/he cuts you off in the aisle and positions her Self-Serving Self so that you can't pass or proceed. Or makes you stop while Her Highness passes at her leisure, looking away from you as to dismiss your Pitiful Presence altogether. This will only happen when the store is crowded. More crowded, more occurrences.#9a, sub 1, alternate.
The store does not have to be crowded for this to happen if every 3rd shopper is using a cell phone while in transit. But no worries. In these cases, you can smash their carts and they won't even know it.#15a.
Upon exiting store, immediately adopt the pissed off expression and demeanor. Demonstrate the truth. Push cart briskly in direct line toward car in such manner as everyone will distinctly know that you are looking for an altercation. Parking lot drivers will notice. Indeed, without such countenance, your life may be at risk out in the open spaces. Be sure to catch everyones' eye with surly looks. Let your mind be an open book. Let others read the following: "C'mon, hit me you f..king mofo. I'll kill your family!"#16a.
When finally in car, be sure to act agressive to cart pushers while exiting parking lot, as all those other drivers just did to you a moment earlier. This step is extremely important. Cart pushers must know their position in the natural order of things.
I suffer from shopping cart rage as well.
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