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TOS #8 violation

You have no evidence to demonstrate that kissing girls would cause lightening up. This is a clear violation of #8 of our Terms of Service. We would first need to engage in a controlled double-blind, peer-reviewed, level-matched ABX kissing test to evaluate your claim. That's also the only way we can eliminate the possibility of bias being introduced due to any form of girl-attractiveness-quotient. Ideally we would need to kiss one girl 16 times or 16 girls once, but the remote possibility of finding even one girl willing to engage in the project means we may have to resort to kissing blow-up dolls, our parents, pets, Star Wars figurines, or each other.

Given that we concluded in Public Test #47,396 that there is no measurable difference between kissing a real girl and an inflatable girl, this shouldn't affect the outcome of the test. I do not accept the argument that because the real girl was not, in fact, conscious at the time, it somehow invalidates this test. We may need to test this proposition by using a girl who is willing to be kissed while conscious and also kissed while unconscious, but so far most who have been asked have replied "I'd rather die"; this seems extreme, as the unconsciousness need only be temporary.

We would then need to determine a method of accurately measuring the amount of lightening up achieved by the kissing process and whether this can be differentiated from a control of random lightening up that comes from normal everyday activities like getting a new pen protector or finding that you have earned some extra Linden Dollars overnight that will help you pay for that Star Trek uniform for your Second Life avatar.

As we must also eliminate any emotional content from the process of 'lightening up', I suggest inserting a photographic light meter into a body cavity to measure the internal light levels before, during and after the kissing process, and retaining the said light meter for some time to evaluate the background levels of lightening up. As the light meter is large and uncomfortable, and might necessitate repeated insertions, this might require assistance from a third party. Having spoken to a few people IRL (only really close friends, like the guy who sells me cans of Jolt Cola and ramen at the 7-11), I have found that a lot of people are more than willing to assist. You will probably elicit the same response; just ask people what they think of the test and many will even tell you where to shove it.

I am hopeful that this can result in an accurate way of measuring the amount of lightening up we need to engage in, and then be able to find a method that can be repeatable without the need for all that messy girl-kissing. I also hope that this test will prove more successful than our attempts to go screw ourselves, following numerous requests. I have been reliably informed by the parents of the last surviving Hydrogenaudio member (possibly a poor choice of words) of that test will be out of hospital in a few days.

Editor, Hi-Fi Plus magazine, Lun-duhnn, Ingerland, innit

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  Kimber Kable  

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