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I'm going to do my own instructional DVD!

Not on any audio topic, mind you. Mine will be on how to do a major grocery shopping trip! The lovely and talented Mrs. bwk stated this morning that she wished we had some kind of service in our area where we could just order groceries and have them delivered. I thought to myself "Self, she takes care of us everyday, so why not give her a break and let her rent pay-per-view movies?". So it was decided. Besides, I had an underlying objective. She always leaves the receipts out for me to peruse, which I briefly do. I have found myself wondering why she didn't take advantage of store brands once in awhile. We could save a little bit of money here and there, you know?

I have been allowed to make minor excursions to the store in the past, but never one of those major trips that must be made when your cupboard are bare. I decided that good planning was essential to my success. Here is a brief synopsis of how my video will go.....

1. Scan and shelves, cupboards and pantry and make a good list of what you need.

2. Ask your wife and any other family members if there is anything special or personal that they might need. Make note of those items as well. Pay particular attention to the brand names of what they want, because these items are special and personal.

3. Perhaps you are a preferred shopper or have some sort of membership card. Be sure to take evidence of such with you. Oh, be sure you have some means of making payment for whatever you are going to buy while you're at it.

4. If you are in some sort of membership, you might have some special coupons that reward you with a certain amount of dollars off of your purchase depending on what amount you spend or even just the day you are shopping. Get those coupons, because they'll save you money!

5. Go to the store. Park somewhere near where you can dispose of your cart easily when you are finished. Grab a cart, and take advantage of those antibacterial wipe thingies they have available to cleanse your cart and your hands.

6. As you enter the store, there might be some kid selling candy bars or cookies or something as an honest means of generating some cash for a charitable or otherwise good cause. Spend some money there, because it is going for a good cause. Casually toss items you purchased into your basket.

7. Did you bring your list with you? Did you bring a pen or pencil to cross items on your list off as you shop? If not, go get them!

8. Enter the store. Pause and take it all in. You are here to show how it is done! A calm, relaxed and analytical mind is your best friend.

9. Proceeed to shop. One minor problem you might encounter is that when you paused to take it all in you saw all these other people shopping. Competition genes might kick in causing you to think you must buy more of everything before everyone else can. Screw the list, this is about winning! This is normal, go with it. Just let yourself go into a shopping frenzy.

10. Proceed to the checkout stand with enough shit to feed a small African country.

11. The cashier will scan all items you have, and another store employee will bag your stuff for you. Beats the hell out of going to Smart-n-Final, where you have to bag your own stuff.

12. Explain to cashier that the reason there is no barcode on the candy bars is because you bought them from the kid outside.

13. Explain to manager that the reason there is no barcode on the candy bars is because you bought them from the kid outside.

14. Stare at cashier and manager, thinking "What the f~ is your problem?".

15. Maintain straight face when you are informed of the total purchase. This is a bit like playing poker. Never let on that you are completely pissed off and astonished.

16. Go to your car,open the trunk and angrily toss all items into the trunk. Don't worry, nothing will get hurt. And if it does? Who gives a shit? You are angry and pissed off!

17. Remember how you carefully parked so you could dispose of your cart easily? This was really for venting purposes. Take your cart and shove it in the little metal frame with such force that all of the other carts buckle upwards.

18. We're almost done. Drive home and take all bags inside the house. Announce to your wife or family members "I hunted and gathered, you get to put this shit away!". Ignore the laughing eyes and barely contained laughter of your spouse or significant other, they're just trying to taunt you.

19. Post your receipt and shred it to destroy the evidence.

Now, it is time for a big glass of wine. I did not say wine glass, grab a friggin' beer mug!

See? I told you I had this down.....but I'm never doing a "major" again!




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Topic - I'm going to do my own instructional DVD! - Bruce Kendall 12:45:55 03/10/07 (13)


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