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Yngwie Malmsteen, "Teaser"

During Memorial Day weekend 1992, many of my hometown San Francisco friends were back from their respective colleges. Those on the semester system were actually done with finals, and starting their summer vacation.

Anyway, my friend Ken, whom I had known since high school, when heavy metal brought us together, had Yngwie Malmsteen's poorly-named album, Fire & Ice. In that era of grunge, other genres had to step up their game. Naming your album Fire & Ice sealed your fate.

I was going to UC Santa Cruz, which was on the quarter system. Thus, I still had three weeks to go. Nevertheless, once finals were over, I returned home. My parents and brother left for Honolulu, thus leaving me home alone. My friends took advantage, and invited themselves over. In addition to the Sega Genesis and SNES, they knew I had a more expensive stereo. Now of course, unlike SAs, my friends loved popular music. That whole summer, they brought over CDs and cassettes. IIRC, the main system consisted of a Sony 3-head ES cassette deck; NAD 5000 CD player; Sony TAE-1000ESD preamp; Muse Model 100 power amp; AudioQuest Lapis, Quartz, and Type 4; Paradigm 5SE.

Ken popped Malmsteen's Fire & Ice into the NAD 5000. We thought that the lead-off instrumental, "Perpetual," was a 1992 update of "Black Star." Eh, when Malmsteen stuck to Baroque influences, Fire & Ice was most successful. According to our friend Melissa, lead singer Goran Edman was "an acquired taste," which took us a little while to get used to.

But the song which just didn't fit into the fabric of the album was the hair-metal ditty, "Teaser." They should have either left it off [they still could have released it as a non-album single], or written two or three more like it.

But ah, it was time for us to go out to S.F. parks, to play sports. In softball, our problem was that no one could consistently throw strikes. My ex-girlfriend, KJ, kept throwing ugly knucklers, which didn't reach the plate. The opponents never had to swing; KJ kept walking them. My other gf, southpaw ACS, flung the equivalent of forkballs, far left or far right of the plate. She was so inaccurate, ACS' pitches dropped at the batter's back heel! If we took one of our better fielders, and made him a pitcher, we were giving up too much on team defense.

Enter Patricia, who would go on to become my summer fling. With catcher Ken directing her, Patricia would nod, and then execute her pitch. Alas, Patricia had the opposite problem; she made the pitches too fat. The opponents kept hitting bullets. As the third baseman, I was the recipient of all that firepower!

One partly-cloudy afternoon at Rossi Playground, our friend Skull brought a Sony boombox, CFD-something-or-other, which had not only a CD player, but infrared remote control. How awesome is that?! Way better than high-end audio of the time!

After playing hoops, we migrated to the bleachers, where we ate lunch. Ken put Fire & Ice into the boombox. When it got to "Teaser," Patricia perked up. While everyone else was merely okay with it, Patricia loved "Teaser." She pulled a hair band (no, not a hair metal band!) out of a pocket, put her fairly long hair into a ponytail, and threaded it through the back of her Disney baseball cap. Bouncing to "Teaser," she enthusiastically donned her mitt, grabbed a ball, and signalled for us to take the field.

IIRC, Patricia got shelled, the other team hitting bombs, which even our speedy outfielders couldn't fetch. We were probably down 10 runs by the 3rd inning. Nevertheless, Patricia, no matter how hard she got hit, never got discouraged. Unlike other players, she continued to execute her pitches.

Hey! If Patricia had walk-up music, maybe it would have been Yngwie Malmsteen's "Teaser." Even though, as above, the rest of us were kind of "Meh" towards "Teaser," Patricia liking it counts for something.

When Ken, Roy, Patricia, and I squeezed into the 2-door Honda Civic hatchback, and embarked on our road trip down Highway 1, the road noise made Fire & Ice a difficult listen. Still, as we were heading from Santa Cruz to Monterey, Patricia told Roy to play "Teaser" again. GO Patricia GO!

By the way, if you were to attempt that coastal California trip through Big Sur to San Simeon...you can't. The wicked drought and wildfires caused the coastal hills to crumble. So, when it finally rained this year, all those hillsides came tumbling down. Several landslides have covered Highway 1, and even taken out a bridge.

But we still have Malmsteen's "Teaser." If we set our snobby SA attitude aside, yeah, the girls (well, they're 40-something women now) show more enthusiasm than we do. But don't let that stop you from enjoying it.

-Lummy The Loch Monster

Edits: 05/27/17 05/27/17 05/27/17

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Topic - Yngwie Malmsteen, "Teaser" - Luminator 00:13:32 05/27/17 (1)


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