10. "Mama Keep Your Yes Ma'am Clean" - Walter Cole
It's hard enough out there, with all the pressures of performance to keep a good man erect during a... um, sermon. What, with the stresses from work, the need to please, wondering if your butt looks good for the hidden camera... But add to all this a dirty yes ma'am and there is no quicker recipe for flaccidity. But in the bedroom at the moment of conflagration is not the appropriate time to discuss such a topic. Rather, as soon as you read this post -- hell, before you move on to #9 -- grab a little dab of vinegar and water and get in there and scrub out your yes ma'am. Get it clean. Because sometimes it's your fault.
9. "Ring of Fire" - Johnny Cash
So there is a pretty good chance that this one is a bit of a reach, but if you've ever dated a girl with recurring maladies, you end up giving her all kinds of nicknames. Plus, how many times have you sat in the doctor's waiting room, itching away and singing "it burns, burns, burns..." Now, in this context, please click on the link and listen to the song, lyric by lyric and tell me it's not applicable. Puts June Carter Cash (rest her precious soul) in an entirely new light.
8. "The Red Rooster" - Howlin' Wolf
A lazy red rooster is a horrible thing, but one way to wake it up is to put on some Howlin' Wolf. There's a reason why boner pills use his "Smokestack Lightning" to sell their blessed products. Mark Humphrey described Wolf's gravelly voice and singing style as being like "shattered glass dragged over hot asphalt." His music is velvet, the rhythms smooth and bumping. He was a bandleader, not just a frontman. He controlled every instrument, note and sound that went into the making of his records. And if you fear how he would feel about his music being used to peddle prick pills, I think he would be quite pleased.
7. "She Made My Blood Run Cold" - Ike Turner
This song details a horrible physiological condition that a man incurs after making time with a lady. All sorts of maladies have been documented throughout time that involve fooling around with women with dirty yes ma'ams, but something that causes "icicles to hang from my eyes" and something that sends "cold chills all through my bones" is just horrible. This probably explains why Ike resorted to physical violence so often with his ladies: to warm up his blood.
6. "Roses on her Skin" - Holy Moly
A dirty yes ma'am can lead to many physical maladies, one of such is "roses on the skin," which is a poetic way to describe dirty, puss-filled lesions. While some girls may be just so amazingly hot, lesions should never be ignored. Every good baseball fan knows there is ninety feet between second and third base and usually you should go looking for the shortstop. And by shortstop I mean roses on her skin. And by roses, remember: we mean lesions. Most of the time they are red, just like a stop sign. So remember my old adage: No matter how beautiful she is, no matter how drunk you are -- someone, somewhere is scratching like mad.
5. "Too Drunk to Fuck" - Dead Kennedys
Again, we will file this under "Her Fault." If it didn't take so much booze at the bar to get you back to the house, we'd be dancing the limbo right now on the futon, but instead you only like me after the fourth Jager bomb, so this is your punishment, not mine, because honestly, I wouldn't remember it anyway.
4. "Relax" -- Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Not to sound like a heel here, but we can file this under "Her Fault." Seriously, it is not my fault that you can't get off unless one leg is over my head and the other is under the bed and I have to do six and a half minutes of steady pressure here and then alternating fast and slow, all this after twenty minutes of foreplay and the aforementioned four Jager bombs, dinner, and a courting dance that looks like something ripped straight from Medieval Times. Life is about adaptability, survival of the fittest. I say you've got a good three minutes tops, so get in there and get your money's worth and quit blaming everyone else for your problems.
3. "My Pencil Won't Write No More" - Bo Carter
If you can listen to this song without crying then you are a bigger man than me.
2. "I Can't Be Satisfied" - Muddy Waters
It was a toss-up between one of Muddy's first recorded songs (this one) and one of his most famous ("Got My Mojo Working"). "Mojo" rocks, especially because it's about a dude who gets lots of action, but can't shake it with the one he likes so he has to go "down to Louisiana to get me a mojo hand," which is a lot of fun to explicate. However "Satisfied" is exemplary because it details a different dysfunction: sexual addiction.
1. "Detachable Penis" - King Missile
The mark of a truly great sexual dysfunction is the ability for it to make people both fear it and desire it at the same time. Oh, the horrors of having a detachable penis... oh, the wonders! What if the old penis could be operated like one of those breathalyzer machines installed in the car of a man with too many DUIs? Or if you could leave it at home before heading off to a place where you just know you'd get in too much trouble? However, as King Missile details in their wonderful early 90s classic, it is very easy to misplace and then hijinks could ensue. And, as we've discussed in this top ten, hijinks always come at a price.
Did I miss any? Don't be shy. Scratch that itch by commenting below! Or better yet: come see me at http://reverenderyk.blogspot.com
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Topic - Putting the "Fun" Back in Sexual Dysfunction -- A Top Ten List - LWR 07:22:50 07/24/12 (30)
- And how did I forget - jec01 13:59:04 07/26/12 (0)
- Top 10 Jethro Tull naughty songs. - DAT 13:23:05 07/26/12 (0)
- There is no "Her" in a Frankie Goes To Hollywood song - DAT 13:03:28 07/26/12 (0)
- Nobody picked "The Lemon Song" by Led Zeppelin? nt - Quadzilla 07:18:29 07/26/12 (2)
- Don't you mean Howlin' Wolf's "Lemon Song"? - 1973shovel 09:34:26 07/26/12 (1)
- I don't feel having a good looking woman squeezing my lemon as a sexual dysfunction. 8^) - FenderLover 04:32:35 07/27/12 (0)
- Howlin' Wolf - "Back Door Man" - dwill123 04:51:10 07/26/12 (0)
- Clarence Carter's "Strokin" - Road Warrior 23:07:20 07/25/12 (0)
- Don't forget these.... - Awacs 20:52:00 07/25/12 (3)
- Look At Granny Run Run... - R Browne 17:43:27 07/27/12 (2)
- Yeah Ry Cooder did a great cover of this... - rlw 11:16:45 07/28/12 (0)
- RE: Look At Granny Run Run... - Awacs 22:26:29 07/27/12 (0)
- "Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band and "Panama Red" by New Riders of the Purple Sage...nt - kootenay 11:56:16 07/25/12 (0)
- Little Feat - "Old Folks Boogie" - jec01 11:33:59 07/25/12 (0)
- Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo - FenderLover 09:18:03 07/25/12 (0)
- Frank Zappa - "Bwana Dik" - dwill123 04:56:04 07/25/12 (7)
- "Magdelena" is about as dysfunctional as it gets. - DAT 13:56:37 07/26/12 (0)
- Ahh, Frank.... - Awacs 07:23:13 07/26/12 (0)
- I saw Flo& Eddie with Zappa.... - rlw 08:02:57 07/25/12 (3)
- Where do I go to get my poodle clipped in Burbank.... - Awe-d-o-file 05:30:37 07/27/12 (1)
- I love your car! It's a Fillmore, isn't it? - rlw 11:18:28 07/28/12 (0)
- Frank Zappa, one of the musician’s I seriously miss. ...nt - dwill123 17:43:42 07/25/12 (0)
- "The Illinois Enema Bandit". nt - geoff 05:19:45 07/25/12 (0)
- King Missile: YEAH! "Jesus Was Way Cool:" coolest song ever. nt - tinear 20:32:53 07/24/12 (0)
- 'Ring of Fire' actually belongs in the Curry inspired list (nt) - 13th Duke of Wymbourne 20:03:50 07/24/12 (0)
- Don't Come Too Soon... - musetap 10:50:08 07/24/12 (0)
- There are a TON of bands that made a good living from this topic - FenderLover 08:29:49 07/24/12 (3)
- ZZ Tops' Pearl Necklace and Under Pressure are especially raunchy - DAT 13:53:31 07/26/12 (1)
- I like ZZ's tasty "Mexican Blackbird" too (n/t) - FenderLover 04:36:52 07/27/12 (0)
- A nasty Yes Mam results in - LWR 08:45:57 07/24/12 (0)