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98.26.64.13
That's the headline on the story from the AP. But unconfirmed reports came to THIS reporter from the same unnamed sources who broke the McCain/Lobbyist scandel that tell a different story:When Senator Clinton's plane landed in West Virginia, seeking to continue her desperate campaign in one of the next primary states, she learned that the DNC had prepared a special welcoming party for her. The plane was surrounded by contingent of paramilitary vehicles behind which several SWAT teams deployed. Close to the off-ramp was an ambulence beside which several men in white coats and rubber gloves were stationed. When the door of the plane opened, it was hit with high-intensity spotlights, temporarily blinding the candidate as she emerged. The stewardess immediately slammed the plane door shut, blocking her way back onto the plane, and hitting her in the behind with the doorknob. As she squinted, confused and dazed, the voice of DNC Chairman Howard Dean was heard over a bullhorn:
"Mrs. Clinton, it's me, Howard. It's over, Mrs. Clinton. It's time to come quietly. Let's not do anything crazy. It's best for everyone involved."
"Screw you, you loser! How many delegates did YOU win, HUH!" she replied. "Don't you realize I just lent my campaign another $6 million dollars of my own money! Plus, I've already ordered a whole new set of stretch pant-suits -- I've only got 27 crayola colors to go. So back off! I'm heading straight for my first stump speech at the Kanawha County Bowler's Association and NOTHING's getting in my way!"
It was then that she pulled a two-barrelled shotgun from under her coat!
"And I'm not afraid to USE it!" She boasted. "Just ask that banded duck!"
Dean backpedalled nervously, obviously unnerved and looking around for help. From the shadows emerged a distinguised looking gray-haired man, who drew oohs and ahhs from all assembled as he was recognized as former President Clinton. He took the bullhorn from Dean and raised it to his lips as the crowd hushed in anticipation.
"Hillar ..." BANG! She fired the first shot before he could get the full name out of him mouth.
The Former President showed the same determination and courage that won him international respect in Somalia! He dropped the bullhorn on the runway with a clang and ran for the terminal. He was later seen in the airport lounge crying on the shoulder of one of the stewardesses.
A hand reached down to pick up the bullhorn. She was not recognized until she spoke her first words: 'Mom! It's me, Chelsea" The crowd againt was struck silent with anticipation.
"Where are you, Chelsea? I can't see you," her mother said squinting. "Come into the light where I can see you."
The daughter dutifully obeyed. BANG! The second barrel was fired. Chelsea was unharmed and was immediately escorted away. But a misfortunate banded duck fell with a thud onto the runway. As Chelsea was leaving, her mother shouted after her, "You Bitch! I told you to campaign HARDER! I told you to smile BIG, like this. The way I do! See?"
At that, she flashed that big, wide-eyed, maniacal smile seen so freqently on the campaign trail. "Then you have to wave like THIS, see!" Now, she was waving broadly and theatrically to the darkness. "That's how you become President, see. You smile and wave like THIS, and you wear colorful pants suit, and boxing gloves and stuff."
That's when the men in the white coats at the bottom of the ramp nodded to eachother and gave a signal to the swat teams. They rushed her as a group and threw a net over her. As they carried her to the ambulence, put her in it and drove away, she could still be heard shouting out, "I'm going all the way to the convention ... I'm going all the way to the convention ... I'm going all the way to the convention ... "
Edits: 05/07/08Follow Ups:
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