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In Reply to: RE: Would you give up your system for a woman you loved? posted by Matthew G. on May 03, 2015 at 15:15:53
Years ago I became friends with a truly great audiophile and a wonderful person. He was married, had a couple of kids, and was a very successful professional. Busy guy.
But this gentleman was a real cutting edge audiophile, sharp as a tack, and posted some simply killer tweaks over in the Tweaks Asylum, where we met. Later on, we got together in person at a mutual audiophile's very nice home, we had a great dinner, and then as dessert was in the offing, I decided to talk audio a wee bit.
Big mistake!
My friend's wife cut me the absolute coldest, death-to-you-scum look I have ever openly received. Then she made clear, and I mean CLEAR, that audio was NOT going to be discussed at the table.
Well, me being me, I took that as a challenge. So, I ignored her roundly and continued with my inquiry, as if she hadn't said a word. I mean, who the hell is she to tell us/me what can and cannot be discussed?
My friend became somewhat visibly distraught, and suggested we excuse ourselves later for audio talk. Now that he had chimed in, I withdrew my query, apologized, and said, "No problem". So it was then back to the absolutely thrilling conversation about kids and school and some other earth-shattering topics that many women seem inexorably drawn to. I was completely enthralled......NOT!
But I bit my tongue, waiting for the dessert to end so we could go and enjoy our he-man audio talk. Yet somehow, when we men left to go share our audio lore and wisdom, the party quickly concluded and the audio part got short shrift in favor of kids needing to be tucked in, etc., etc.
On the way home, I commented on all this to my wife. who mentioned, "You know, she HATES audio. She doesn't want him involved in it at all, and she'd like it if he quit the hobby for her and the family."
I wasn't surprised in the least. She was clearly disgusted when I swung the men's talk in that direction at dessert, and then furious when I overrode her and continued with the topic over her objections.
In the years that passed after that dinner, I was strangely never invited to gatherings, and my friend's e-mails to me became more and more brief and infrequent, only letting me know in very short terms that his wife would not let him set up his system ANYWHERE, as there simply wasn't room (or so she claimed.)
When he bought a new place for his family with much more space, I was totally stoked for him, and said, "NOW, finally, you'll have the space for your system, eh?" His response was, "Well, I sure hope so. That was the idea, at least in part."
Yet, as the months passed by, somehow there still wasn't room for his system, even in the new digs, and only time for the kids, work and her, and NEVER any time for his old audio buddies.
Less than a year later I learned through a mutual friend that he had died in his study, working (as usual) on his weekend. He was found at his desk, lifeless and cold, by his son. I was speechless.......... with ANGER!
I knew exactly what he died of: a broken dream and stymied life. His passion (audio and music) was allowed to wane, falter, and ultimately flicker out. His wife had stolen his energy and directed it towards HER goals, rather than simply SHARING his life with him, and giving him the freedom to also enjoy what brought him so very much pleasure and joy. To see this great fellow's face when he talked audio was to see a man truly proud and passionate about his hobby in a way I rarely encountered in my life. And he was BRILLIANT at it, too! Really a top-tier mind achieving truly high-end results with his incredibly creative DIY builds and tweaked out system.
And now he's gone.
I've never mentioned this to our mutual friend, as his wife and the deceased's wife are still very close friends. But this is my way of venting at the loss of a great man to a selfish woman who simply couldn't share in his joy and passion about audio, so she squelched it for her own ends.
So, to answer your query: NEVER allow ANY woman to squelch your passion, EVER! If she tries, you know she's a selfish BITCH who will suck the life energy from you and leave you at best an empty shell, and at worst, in your grave prematurely.
Just my two cents.......
(And I still miss my friend, and grieve to this day.... )
Follow Ups:
Holy cow, I'm stunned at some of the stories/comments about women & wives, mostly negative (seems to me). My wife (of 42 yrs now) from the get-go, was so supportive of my hobby, which was/is hi-fi/stereo. She loves music but otoh, initially didn't get the gear part, and the obvious upgrade path that goes along. Still, she knew how much I liked it and over the years has been thrilled to see the happiness it brings me. She even loves to be part of the saving here & there to get that next piece that I long for. It simply makes her happy to see me happy. Not to be sappy, but I can't imagine being with a woman who didn't exhibit her qualities. I suppose, reading thru all the comments, that I'm a lucky s.o.b. to have her. dave w.
Our marriage is beyond rock solid. If she died, I'd very likely join her, as I cannot imagine not being with her. Every day I get up and think, "I'm the luckiest guy on Earth", at least when it comes to the luck of having a wonderful wife. She regularly does auditioning of gear with me, as I want to be sure her ears are satisfied as well as mine, as she will be listening to it just like I will be. We're a team in everything. I couldn't be more satisfied. My only worry is that I fall short on being a super husband. I try my very best, and she says she's as happy as can be, But because I love her, I always feel I can do more. But I do try my best. She's terrific!
Very, very glad to see your wife shares your interests and understands your passions. And 42 years? That's awesome. Congratulations! :-)
That's what makes me so mad about my deceased friend. His wife literally set out to get rid of the hobby that was his passion, and she succeeded. Now he's dead. Again, a real tragedy.
But let's end this on a high note: here's to wonderful wives and the lucky guys who get to share their lives with them! Glad to hear you're one of them.
Cheers!
Cheers to a great wives who are so great that allow a man to put a pair of speakers in his own house. Seems like 90% of men are much less lucky though considering overwhelming negative response here
Thanks, great to hear from someone who shares my good fortunes. Unfortunately, my bride & I are one of the few of our friends who have stayed together since "the early days", not to say we haven't weathered some storms, but we have done well together & have raised 4 lovely girls who now have wonderful families of their own. Enough of that, this is supposed to be audio related and I have digressed. One last thing, Candy has actually been the one to point out the poor choices I have made over the years when "audio nervosa" struck and I switched out gear that I should have kept. She politely and sweetly said "honey, I told you so", and she's always been right. Dang, I knew I should have listened to her. Take care Mr.Smith & been nice talking (?) to ya! dave
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Your generalizations are total BS. I wonder about the anger that you bring home with you.
this actually caused (or even contributed) to this DEATH? this seems a pretty serious and heavy conclusion to make.
still, i'm sorry this fine man could not enjoy his pastime in his free time.
roger wang
incredible post; thanks for sharing!
...the man with the incredible posts. You've given me and countless others endless amusement with so many offerings. My thanks to you.
I'm just glad I could touch some people with this one. The loss of this gentleman was truly a tragedy.
I will say this, though: if his wife has figured out her (likely) role in this, and feels terrible about it, I honestly hope her guilt lifts and she grows into a better person for it. It would be even sadder to see tragedy compounded, especially with the kids involved. Let's hope everyone comes out a better person, as nothing is going to bring him back. One can always hope for the best.
Again, many thanks for your kind words, GL.
I'm afraid he's dug his own early grave.
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like a woman scorn. Chicks these days aren't afraid of men's balls; in fact many live for the challenge.
Sad.
But, you are treated the way YOU ALLOW yourself to be treated.
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Your post really resonates with me. I have experienced some of this firsthand in my own life and I have had to fight tooth and nail sometimes to maintain my own interests relative to those of the "family". Of course I know men who are totally subserivent to the wills of their wives...it seems to be a biologically hardwired female behavior (a form of nest building?) that men throughout history have struggled with. STill, I do know other relationships where the wife is very tolerant of the man's hobbies...as long as they do not cause some kind of hardship in the family. No one of course is suggesting this kind of extreme hobby behavior, which is likely more an addiction than a hobby at that point.
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Perfectly said - my wife knew my passions when we met and they never were an issue
"Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to" Mark Twain
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We listened to music quite a bit during our dating. Here's my bachelor pad circa '85:
My passion for music has never been an issue. When we married a year later, we finished the basement and moved the system down there. :)
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so I didn't have any window treatments up yet and the large tapesty draped over the railing behind the couch was put on the back wall.
We had our second house built and I spec-ed a large downstairs listening room. With my current house, I'm using a large bedroom as a dedicated listening room. Guys need a cave!
If she loved me she wouldn't want me to give it up.. If she was so anti- music I wouldn't have gotten to the point in relationship where it would be an issue..
FWIW my wife thinks the audio stuff is cool.. she especially likes the way the MBL 101e look.. She also really dug the various Logan's I've had..
You need another hobby Ralf.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public
H. L. Mencken
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No, I couldn't get away with adding that to the mix - unless I stuck in the back of the room with the stats. :)
My oldest brother was a HAM as well, but had a much simpler setup. He did, however, have a huge tower antenna located in the middle of Unversity Park in Dallas. His neighbor asked him why he had such a big one. His reply? He had a big screen TV! He got some of his gear from a retired CBS guy that was borderline illegal in terms of power. Sometimes, his sprinkler heads would pop when he broadcasted.
Love the prop, too. Hartzell?
Yes
That's the old 669g prop.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public
H. L. Mencken
This is exactly the problem with most couples - they don't discuss this shi(stuff) before they get married.
The woman doesn't have to be into audio but she does have to be accepting of your hobby just like if she was into Photography and I wasn't - I know buying cameras/lenses/print materials will be costly - so be it. Her hobby I can live with that.
Same goes for "in the bedroom" - tell the girl about the weird kinky stuff you may or may not be into BEFORE you get married - less chance of one partner seeking it out on the side.
I can;t believe how many guys are on forums discussing how they have to sneak stuff home, lie about the price, or are forced to sell their 7 foot high 4 foot wide loudspeakers for a Totem Model One. The conversation should go.
"Hey by the way if we ever get married I want you to know some things. First I love music and it so happens that my hobby is buying very good equipment to play it. This equipment is usually large and takes up a lot of space in the living room (I will compromise by putting it in the basement but I can't compromise on the size). Further I tend to spend an average of $10,000 a year on my stereo(and this will increase with inflation) and that too is something I intend to keep doing."
Why is this so hard?
Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) and his "relationship contract" is not such a terrible idea after all.
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It is hard because even when they agree and claim to know they later rewrite the rules or assume you will change the way they want you to change. When you don't bend later to their will then comes the pressure, the guilt trips, the fights etc.
BTW, heard the LM219 the other day on a full LM WE replica horn system (complete with field coil drivers). Awesome sound!
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reelsmith's axiom: Its going to be used equipment when I sell it, so it may as well be used equipment when I buy it.
of an old saying.
Women marry an imperfect man hoping he will change -
Men marry a perfect woman hoping she'll never change -
"Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to" Mark Twain
but which sex blushes more when wrong?
heh.
roger wang
Very touching story. I know it must have also been very frustrating for you to watch your buddy"s life blood being sucked from him and you could do nothing to stop it. His wife is unquestionably a selfish self-centered narcissist but he chose to remain powerless rather than standup and draw a line in the sand with this jerky woman. He chose confrontation avoidance at all cost which likely contributed to his early demise.
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Women tend to over complicate the mundane things in life to the point where these things consume every minute of every day. Men usually try to minimize time spent on mundane things so they can move on to something they're interested in. There are a lot of arrogant, self-righteous women out there who think they're better than their husbands because he'll spend time doing things he likes and all she concerns herself with is work and family. A large chunk of the work/family stuff she spends time on is unnecessary and of no interest to anyone in the family but her.
It's a funny thing to hear women complain about controlling men. Controlling women are at least a million times more common than controlling men.
Imagine how boring the internet would be if folks were as civil here as they are in person.
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