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General Asylum General audio topics that don't fit into specific categories. |
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In Reply to: Subjectivist Audiophiles ... posted by middleground on May 3, 2012 at 04:32:06:
Congratulations on having selected the Erdmeister RL-100 Non-Thermographic Anisotropic Selectrometer. Your selection of our product is evidence of your discriminating taste and is commensurate with your highly evolved capabilities of sensory distinction.
A word about the materials used in constructing the RL-100:
Presentation Box: More than mere “packaging”, the Presentation Box enveloping your RL-100 is an integral part of providing you the undistorted aural information you require to make ultra-fine sensory judgements. Constructed of virgin cardboard made from slow-growth forests in Sumatra, the Presentation Box was fabricated by our trained factory artisans to the exact specifications of Schrödinger’s Box.
The Case: The Case is the backbone of the RL-100’s legendary “Window of Sound”. The source material for this work of art is rare oujibe trees found only between 10,014 and 10,027 feet on the unnamed 5th island of Sri Lanka. Dressed only in skimpy clothing made of natural fibres, local virgins harvest selected rings (from between the 3rd and 4th Ice Ages) of oujibe between 5:00 am and 5:30 am GMT on the third morning after the summer solstice in the Year of the Ox. The selected wood is then transported by third-generation shaman on albino yaks before the break of dawn to waiting artisans in the village of Iemanjá.
The Knob: Only Pre-Conquest silver and iron ore from the Bolivian mines of Potosí has been used. Molten ore is poured into molds made from the finest virgin Irish sand and fired in specially created kilns kept constantly between 1825 and 1837 degrees Kelvin at 1 atmosphere for precisely 3 lunar days. The molds are destroyed after each knob is made, their ashes whisked away under military escort to active volcanoes on uncharted islands of the Indian Ocean to ensure their complete destruction.
The Letters: Years of precise laboratory measurements and double-blind field tests have confirmed what theorists have long suspected – that the ancient Sumerian sacred characters and are unsurpassed in their ability to represent fine gradations of sensory content. Ancient texts only recently discovered have revealed that the Sumerians eschewed the exploitation of and for commercial purposes, so out of respect we have rendered these characters externally as “A” and “B”. Be assured, however, that internally the RL-100 uses the actual sacred characters.
The Footings: Special vibration-canceling, anti-magnetic polymers are used for the Footings, which are designed to ensure your RL-100 is as sonically neutral as possible (given the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principal). Precise Bonn-Interpretation Wave Mechanics calculations have resulted in a design that is both eye-catching and acoustically neutral. The Footings are attached using alternating left-handed and right-handed precision rhodinium-plated machine screws, arranged in an “X” pattern to ensure zero polychiral distortion. Factory technicians will come to your home to rotate the screws monthly or after every 63 uses, whichever occurs first, to ensure years of distortion-free service from your RL-100. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS SERVICE YOURSELF.
The Spikes: Constructed of Perfect Surface Titanium (PST), the field-installable spikes provide additional isolation in certain applications. With a Larmor frequency of 4.8 x 10-10 4Heaviside units, the tip of the spike reduces the contact point to within .004% of the Planck length. Care should be taken when using the spikes, as the introduction of space-time singularities is possible, depending on humidity and solar wind conditions.
Directions for use:
To receive optimum performance from your Erdmeister RL-100 Non-Thermographic Anisotropic Selectrometer, please follow these simple instructions:
1) Place the RL-100 on a Teflon-coated, vibration-free surface, ensuring that the polhode rolls without slipping on the herpolhode lying in the invariable plane.
2) Don static-free silk gloves and place the RL-100 into the position. It is extremely important that the current (“base state”) be established in the “” position.
3) Using the techniques described in Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge, locate your special “spot” in the listening environment.
4) Rid your mind of all extraneous thoughts, entering a trance-like, but highly acute sensory state.
5) Listen to the first source with the focused serenity of the Dalai Lama.
6) Carefully rotate the RL-100 Knob 37 degrees to the position. The knob will pass through an intermediate “neutral” position to remove any remnants of the initial state. Note: Do not allow this action to interfere with your trance-like state.
7) Return to your special “spot” in the listening environment.
8) Listen to the second source with the same focused serenity.
9) Note the subtle differences in tone, timbre, harmonics, brilliance, presence, beauty, sonority, liquesence, mesonic charge, chromatic dispersion, and Cêrenkov radiation. Pay particular attention to the non-acoustic aspects of the sound. Note these differences in a non-judgmental, loving way, accepting them as glimpses of the ultimate unity of all experience from behind the veil of Maya and avoiding earthly labels of “better” and “worse”.
10) Or not.
rlindsa
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Follow Ups
- Here's a writeup I did years ago on a (non-existent) A/B switch - rlindsa 07:51:27 05/03/12 (5)
- This Can Also Be Done with "Technical Writing"........ - Todd Krieger 13:44:10 05/03/12 (0)
- This is brilliant.... - JayG 10:23:03 05/03/12 (0)
- Great! - dancingseamonkey 08:52:26 05/03/12 (0)
- I bet you know where to buy Lirpa Loof products! (nt) - mgbpuff 08:14:38 05/03/12 (0)
- [Drool]... liquesence... mesonic charge... [Drool]... Where can I buy one?... - musetap 08:10:38 05/03/12 (0)
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